I’m a Hot Mess, and I am Okay with That: Confessions from Someone Who Has No Idea What is Going On
I have to assume that I am not the only one who feels this way. There have been mornings where I wake up thinking to myself, “What the holy hell is going on! What am I going to do?” Real panic set in when I was with my men’s group on Thursday night and I got an email from my account with the amount of money my wife and I owe on taxes.
Quick digression, my wife and I are small business owners (we have a gym), and I fully expect to owe every year, this one hurt for the 2018 tax season.
To be blunt, we do not have the money. Four months ago, we opened our gym and things have been going well. We are growing at a steady pace but we are not profitable yet, and we did not expect to be so soon, but within the first year at least. It is a blessing to able to have this opportunity to own our own business. The American Dream personified, but we are getting killed and frankly, we have no idea what to do. In the middle of a panic attack I looked at my friend and mentor and said, “I have no idea what I am doing. I don’t know if I can do this.”
These last two year have sucked and here is a quick summation. When I was 35, I am 40 now, I went back to school to take some prerequisite classes to apply to Physical Therapy school. I threw that on my new wife at the last minute and gentlemen, I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT. It was a process and I applied last year (2018). I was not even close. Full rejections from every school that I applied. No wait list, just total denial. In fact, one school gave me a list of other occupations that might be better suited for than physical therapist. That hurt. When I called admission from one of the schools, we had a great talk about why I was rejected. Out of 1000 applicants, I was 850 on the list (so you’re saying there’s a chance). Basically my 20’s was a mess. Booze and women were the priority and it showed in my undergraduate grades. I can accept that (remember acceptance is not approval). Take a knee for a second, breathe, stand back up and move forward. Done.
December 17th 2018 at five months pregnant, we lost our child. This was going to be our first. For those that do not know, it is a three-day process in order to safely remove our child. Three days of car rides, hospitals and rage. I had to sign crematorium paper work, name the child, and even saw the foot prints on the last day, which was unexpected. My wife still does not know the name or gender of our child. At the time of this post, our baby would have been 1 week old. We are not okay. In fact, okay is not even on the f*****g radar. Some days are better than others and we can compartmentalize, but we are far from healed. Seeing infants run to their parents with a smile hurts, and bad. The best way to describe it is that it feels like my soul is crying. I can feel my spine actually vibrate. Personally, I have learned more about myself than I though possible. I found out quickly what type of man I am capable of being and going through this has drastically change and also reaffirmed my positions on several issue. They are not thoughts, they are beliefs.
After a yearlong search and several month negotiations, we signed a lease to open out new gym. Finally, we get out of our garage. Construction went over budget, because anybody who has done any type of construction knows once walls are opened, all bets are off. No big deal, I budgeted at 20% contingency for all construction and equipment purchases. We took out a mortgage on our house to get the money ($75,000). We have mentors that we ran things by and everything was looking good but there are startup costs that were unexpected. We opened earlier than expected in late January 2019 and we still had 6 weeks of free rent. This was a great distraction from December and it was needed.
Things were going well once the doors were opened and the support was amazing. In the first six weeks we had people sign up for memberships and personal training with little to no advertising. The benefits of a good location. Now the bills start coming in. Our gym has to pay for itself and our home. We are all in and we did plan for this but there is no other source of income. This is it. Everything was manageable until we received a bill for $5,000 for your baby. We have paid in excess of that number for a child that we do not have. Yes, we do have insurance and it covered a ton and I am grateful for that but it was still a kick in the teeth. We cannot pay the bill in total right now so we pay what we can and float some on the card. Deep breath, move forward.
Little things at work come up now and it all costs money. It amazes me how someone will spend $5 of their own money just to try and screw us for $1. I now truly understand why the show is called Shark Tank. We are always putting out fires and saving where we can. But as of today, we owe more than we have. We had to borrow money to pay some of our bills so we can keep our heads afloat for a couple more months. For those who have been in debt, the elephant gets heavier. The thing is, I have no idea what to do or where to go! We are at the point where we need to be calculated about everything. We were lying in bed the other night staring at the ceiling and we just laughed as I stated, “I am a hot emotional mess and I am okay with it”.
Even though it might sound like it, I am not complaining, or at least not trying not to the best of my ability. I feel silly even writing all this for the world to see. I literally signed up for all this. My wife and I have gone through more than I have stated here but all these missteps have provided me an opportunity to be grateful. From the outside looking in, we are fine and have no right to complain. People have so much less than we do and have smiles on their faces.
I pray daily. God responds with, “It will be okay. Be strong.” I mostly want to cry and wonder about my life insurance policy. The reason for this is because I have no idea what to do. It is not like I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen. My wife and I are constantly thinking of how to improve things and how to generate more clients without all the gimmick that are seen in Facebook ads. I am stressed, in debt, and emotionally damaged. I have no idea what the next correct step is and I literally have no clue how to get out of his hole that we are in. I am absolutely terrified. I am a hot mess, and I am okay with it.
I am at peace with the boat that we seem to be in. The main reason is that we bailing out water to the best of our ability and this cannot last forever. Eventually, we will get on the right side of things. With pain, comes a reward. I believe to the bottom of my soul that something will come out of this. Here is why, we have a great supportive family that would do ANYTHING for us. Not many people have that. We have a home. Not many people have that. I have a loving and supportive marriage. Not many people have that. We have a business. We took the risk so we get the problems and BENEFITS that come with this. Not many people get to do that. Blessings…
The life that I have right now is a blessing. The way that I treated myself and my body, I shouldn’t be standing vertical. The real reason that I am putting these thoughts to paper is to hopefully help someone and let them know that everything is going to be okay. I can not say when, I just KNOW that everything will be okay. Pain and struggle can only last so long. Pain has a shelf life, which is much shorter than the human spirit. This a fact and not a theory. There is no doubt in my mind that whatever struggle or hurdle comes, there is a way through it. Remember, it rains equally on the just and unjust, but it will stop raining.
I have no idea what is going to come, not a clue. But I do know that putting this to paper has help me become gratefully for the struggle. Like many goals, it is not about the final achievement but the determination, discipline and struggle to get to that goal. If anything, I hope this helps someone for a least a second. I am not lofty to think that anything that I have said is profound or even original but these are the things that have been said to me for the last couple of months and it has helped me a great deal. In the end, I hope that it can help someone else.
